do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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