I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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