So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
