thus making me awesome and them whores
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
