you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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