I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
