when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
