I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Everyone says I win the strip club
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
