Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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