dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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