if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
