Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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