i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
