I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
