made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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