That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
