This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have fence marks all over my body
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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