my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
