Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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