I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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