Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
