Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
