just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
