how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
