i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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