He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
