You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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