Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
