When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
