wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
