the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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