He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
