I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
