Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
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He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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