Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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