hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?