I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
