make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
