3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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