i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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