Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
