that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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