It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
