Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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