If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
