My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
