youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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