Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
