you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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