I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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