I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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