So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
