why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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