I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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