Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
