thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
