It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
