If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
