he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
