So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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