I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
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i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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