I can text with my tongue
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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